X rated but toned down...

I was working overnight in a sub-post office for Joanna Lumley and a man bought my sexual services with a custard slice.  I won't go into too much detail or it will be too X rated. 

I had to do the 'mirror image sex dance' down some stairs with a woman everyone thought had been on TV but turned out to work for the council

Then I had to do something with an American teenager with sausage breath and an annoying attitude. 

Then the man returned, proving he'd actually given me two custard slices, so he tied my fingers and toes to some ornaments using string and took me off to watch some extreme skateboarding done to the soundtrack of musicals. 

Then the man had me do some very rude things that I'd best not detail, but it involved a flyover and some graffiti. 

Bit late posting this one!

I couldn't see and realised someone had stuck a letter over my eyes.  I pulled it off and it turned out that the letter was an anonymous tip off letting me know my hair had been put into an auction

I realised with horror that I had no hair, so I put on a hat and stomped off to the auction which was being held at the top of a travelator in an airport. 

It was announced by the auctioneer, as 'unkempt, antique hair' and the bidding was too high, so I snatched it and escaped on a scooter. 

Right....the next bit is REALLY hard to explain. 

There was a gap in the floor so it was like standing on the edge of a cliff.  The only thing connecting the two sides was a fairly thin frozen....thing. 

It looked like a horizontal waterfall that had frozen solid.  On this was a parked car which I had to get to. 

I edged along the slippy surface gingerly. It was very scary. I got in the car and tried to drive it but it kept skidding and everyone was shouting that it was in neutral. 

I managed to reverse it to the other side but had to stop at border control. I was allowed over the border but only on foot and only if I was attached to a book shop by a piece of elastic. 

I ran over the border many times and got pulled back, hitting my back on the book shop.  I was aware I had marks all over my back as though I'd been whipped. 

It got harder and harder to run fast and when I looked down, I saw that my feet were actually pot plants. 

A bit scary...

I was in hospital but not as a patient. Despite this a doctor came to look at me and concluded I was looking poorly, so wanted to do tests. As he walked off I realised he was Walter Bishop and I wished I'd taken his photo to show my friend Richard. 

I remember saying to my mother that now I came to think of it I remembered reading that he was a shy doctor in real life. 

He never returned but three other medical staff did. They agreed I looked unwell and grey but thought it was probably ok, so were trying to get me to sign something to say they'd done tests when they hadn't. 

I was happy to do this but my mother shouted at them and wouldn't let me. So they went off and told me I'd have to wait and gave me a shopping trolley wheelchair but warned me if I pressed the button to go, it would not stop and would only go forward. 

I pressed the button. 

I went whizzing off. Faster than I anticipated. It turned out the hospital was a castle on a hill with a network of paths all around it all going round and round through a scattered village around the castle. 

As I went uphill I was acutely aware of the fact that I had no real control and if it stopped going forward I'd hurtle backwards at great speed. 

I had to steer when the paths curved round and suddenly I realised I was on a collision course with a house. I drove into the door and smashed it down right into someone's kitchen. 

I drove through the house and also smashed through the front door to get out. It was red and the woman was shouting that it was bullet proof

She chased me but I was too fast and as I looked behind me I saw her gradually disappear into the distance. 

As I turned back to look forward I noticed a baby in a high chair had attached itself to me. I was alarmed that I was now a kidnapper and tried to find the route back to the hospital but by now I seemed miles away and all I could see was a river of mud that was bubbling as if it was boiling. 

I felt quite scared and then noticed the baby wasn't a baby at all but a vase of dead flowers.  I decided to jump out but by now I felt I was going 100 miles an hour so I closed my eyes and screamed. 

(then I woke up). 

Gwyn and Julia Roberts...

I was in a restaurant with Gwyn (yes...you!) but for some reason we were at separate tables.  The waitress brought me the bill and I paid with my credit card but she overcharged me saying she was 'rounding it up' to £20.02.  Furthermore she took my purse out of my bag and took a further 12p and then took another credit card and charged that with another 12p due to the fact that the turnover was over £100,000 (!)

Then I was at a garden party and I had 'all purpose gunk'.  A booklet explained it had 1001 uses and on page 12 it said how it could be used to cut hair so I decided to cut my husband's hair.  I rubbed it in but it got behind his eye so he ran off to wash it.

As a joke I told everyone to say that his hair had turned purple when he got back but everyone got it wrong and said it was pink except a young lad that turned out to be a young David Cameron who told the truth (!) and said it was fine and totally deflated everyone.

As it was too late to get the gunk out of his hair as it had set, the troubleshooting page told me the only remedy was to use Julia Roberts as a scissors and cut it all out.  Luckily Julia Roberts was there and by locating and acquiring her as scissors I was awarded the OBE.

Zap...

I was at some sort of appraisal which for some reason was taking place in a hospital waiting room.  The appraisal was being conducted by my boss plus another woman. 

As part of the appraisal I had to stand up and do an Anthea Redfern style twirl. I held out my skirt to make my outfit look more balanced. 

They both remarked on how it was a nice change to see me in a skirt which I thought was odd as I never wore trousers to work.  They said it hid the shape of my legs more. 

As I stood there however the skirt stuck to my legs more and more with static electricity. I explained I was a very staticky person and demonstrated by touching a metal bar and creating an electric shock. 

I then held my palms so that they were a few inches apart facing each other and visible electricity was flowing between my hands like mini forked lightning. 

I remember thinking that I could sell it to Doctor Who as a special effect. 

It then occurred to me that I could use it on someone else and sure enough it transpired that I could shoot electricity out of my hands!

I went to stand at the entrance of the hospital and amused myself by zapping random people. I then discovered that if I maintained the flow of electricity beyond a second or two, it had great force and by zapping the floor continuously it had enough force to lift me off the ground

In this way I discovered I could move around like a human hovercraft and proceeded to cause chaos zapping myself at great speed around the corridors of the hospital; knocking people over and creating mayhem. 

There was an announcement on the tannoy saying there was a reward for anyone that could stop me, so people started chasing me and trying to grab my legs but I just zapped them. 

I realised that I didn't feel guilty or worried about what I was doing and I felt invigorated and liberated. 

I ended up in the ladies loos and I was locked in so I stopped zapping.  A White duck was using its beak to shave a woman's legs and while I was distracted by this I was attacked with shaving foam and arrested. 

PS I have to confess I enjoyed this one.

ZAP!

Tents and talking chickens...

I arrived in a hotel with two others (not sure who) and as we booked in, the lady that ran it told us that there was a ball that night and that all guests had to go, but not to worry because the hotel provided outfits.

She handed out two beautiful dresses to the two others - they put them on and looked stunning and glamorous.  She looked at me and frowned and said she was sorry but she only had one dress that would fit me.  She handed me something that looked like a faded green tent.

I put it on.  The design was, that there was a bit that your bust was meant to be in with a seam and gathered underneath.  This seam was meant to be under the bust.

On me, the whole thing was tight around my bust and the seam was on top of, not under, my bust - it was clearly way too small.  From the seam, the gathered material was quite thick and stiff so it didn't even hang down but stuck outwards making me look like a cross between a human tent, a christmas tree and some sort of fabric based weapon.

It is fair to say that I looked truly hideous but the lady who ran the hotel and the two people with me said it looked fine.  I could see that it didn't and I felt miserable and upset but accepting that I would have to wear it.

We all went for a walk (thankfully without the dresses) and as we were passing some shops I saw some youths sitting in my car (my mini).  I rushed over to them and started shouting and asking how they had my car but they just laughed at me so I pulled them out of the car by their hair and started to get quite violent.

I asked how they had it and they showed me that they had copies of all my keys (except theirs were gold).  I said I had only just left it in a secure hotel car park and did they work for the hotel, but a girl said that they had taken it from my home and that they'd had it a month.

I was very confused and felt very upset but took the keys and my car and went back to the hotel.

The ball had started and I knew I had to wear the dress which by now had changed colour and looked like an off white stained plastic sheet.

As I walked around I felt the most intense burning feeling of shame and embarrassment.  I wanted to disappear or become invisible and I made my way to a balcony.  There was an old man sat out there smoking.  He looked me up and down and raised his eyebrows at my dress.  I shrugged at him and he nodded.  I felt comfortable so I sat next to him and didn't speak but started humming.  He was tapping his foot in time to my humming and I put my head on his shoulder and started to cry and cry.

I suddenly decided to climb over the balcony which I did with great ease despite wearing a marquee!  Once on the ground I ran towards some woods and I discovered that I could run faster and easier than I ever would have thought possible so I ran faster and faster and seemed to be able to go miles without any problem.

I ended up abroad on a mountain range and I used the dress to camp in, thinking it had turned out to be OK in the end after all.  The tent was huge and had various mod-cons in it and also there were talking chickens living  in it.  I decided the chickens were wise and that I should stay there.


PS - Sorry I failed to make it an interesting dream yet again!

It has not escaped my notice...

That my dreams have been more boring than usual of late.

I'll try to do better tonight ;-)