In pursuit of happiness...

Oh how I wish I had the skills to really convey my dreams, so that others could come close to understanding how I experience them. 

Sometimes, the dream almost has a texture to it. Sometimes I feel so immersed and involved in it and other times I'm a confused, bewildered observer, being dragged along with events totally out of my control. 

Last night I was very much immersed in it. It felt just as real as now. 

I was walking through a city. It was a bright, gleaming city. It was busy, bustling and I had a sense that everyone in it was happy, wealthy and comfortable in life. 

As I walked through the city with a group of people, it got gradually less bright, less busy and eventually started to get rather run down. 

I found myself apologising to the group which was getting smaller in number as we went along, for what had become a filthy, seedy, quite scary part of town. I remember there was an arcade full of people sleeping rough and taking drugs. Also a row of boarded up shops with very dodgy looking people hanging around and staring at us.  One of them had three vicious looking dogs straining on a lead, growling and snarling in our direction.  There was litter everywhere. 

I looked back, but the nicer part of town could only be seen through a sort of haze...much like the effect of heat coming off a road on a very hot day. 

Everything looked distant and slightly unreal and I just knew I couldn't go back. 

My mother suddenly appeared telling me I must go to my uncle's house. She showed me a map with a line drawn between where we were and his house. I could tell that it was about 7 miles and that it involved going over Caerphilly mountain. 

She wouldn't let me have the map though and said I had to find my own way. I asked for the postcode for satnav and she said CV37 1LP

I told her I knew that wasn't right but she insisted it was. I asked for the number of the house but she would only give me the clue....'think of water'.

I had the feeling she didn't want me to find it and was being deliberately obstructive!

I remembered I had my uncle's address in my contacts anyway so just thanked her and set off. 

I know some other people were still with me....maybe 2 or 3, but I don't know who.  We all set off driving over Caerphilly mountain. It was far more barren and isolated than in real life. There was a low lying mist and sounds from odd animals. It was also getting dark and the whole thing felt eerie but exciting. 

I remember thinking that I felt especially clean!(!?)!

We eventually got there and parked on my uncle's street. It was a steep street full of smart terraced houses with brightly coloured front doors. We started to look for number 45 (not the number he lives at in real life), but the numbers were out of order and kept moving from one house to another. 

We eventually went to a house that had numbers 23, 45 and 71 on it.  I knocked and a red haired woman I didn't know answered. I thought I had got the wrong house but she said she was the 'pre Pat' and that it was the right house. 

I suddenly noticed it had been raining and I was soaked. I had an overwhelming sense of exhaustion and relief come over me and wanted to cry. It was a feeling of having been lost and then realising you're home. 

I walked in to find that 'pre Pat' had indeed changed into someone I knew. My family were there along with an old lady I didn't recognise, but somehow knew I was very special to her and that she had been waiting for me a long time. 

I ran and gave her a huge hug, apologising for getting her wet. She touched my wet hair and said she didn't care because she would always love me exactly as I am no matter what. 

I can't explain how it made me feel....like I could finally stop struggling and fighting and just relax, be myself and be looked after and loved. It was as though I was a child again  I felt so happy I didn't really want to wake up!! ;-)

PS a private message to someone....just noticed this morning how many freckles are on my shoulders!

Danger!

I was in a building I knew to be Cardiff City Hall but it wasn't quite like it really is. 

I had nothing on but a dressing gown so I felt vulnerable and ill prepared, but I am not sure why I was even there or what I was meant to be prepared for. 

I felt a bit bewildered. 

I saw Maureen (a former work colleague/boss that doesn't like me) but she didn't see me so I hid. 

I felt I needed to get into a particular room but she had gone in there, so I hid in the doorway until she came out. 

She did... and walked off up the corridor so I waited until she'd turned the corner then headed for the room, but as I put my hand on the door handle, I heard footsteps behind me. 

I somehow knew that Maureen had done a complete circuit of the building (this is physically impossible in such a short time) and was about to appear behind me. 

I panicked and ran off in the direction Maureen had originally gone and found myself suddenly right behind her!  I gasped and just managed to hide behind a pile of boxes as she turned round looking for the source of the noise. 

I was very aware of only having a dressing gown on the whole time and felt very annoyed it had no buttons so I had to hold it closed. 

This time, Maureen went up some stairs rather than into the room. As she walked she was talking to no one in particular about how much power she had and the size of her budget. 

I darted towards the room again and actually got in but immediately I was aware that Maureen had turned round and was coming back down the stairs. 

I looked around for somewhere to hide. There was little in the room. It was dimly lit and I had a strong sensation of time moving more slowly than usual. 

Outside it was stormy but the trees were being blown about and the clouds were moving at double the speed you'd expect. The noise of the rain didn't match with when it hit the ground. Everything felt out of sync. 

The room itself was empty apart from a long table covered in a clean white cloth. Upon it were lots of White plates, empty glasses and right in the middle, a white 77th birthday cake covered in candles and sparklers, all lit. 

At that moment Maureen walked in and saw me. She gave me a hard stare, a disgusted look up and down then blew the candles and sparklers out and left the room. 

I didn't know what to do so I opened the window and immediately got sucked out by the storm. 

The curtains were flapping outside the window and I managed to grab one but it was too smooth so I slid down it (they seemed to be about ten foot long!) and ended up on a balcony of the floor below. 

I noticed with some relief that I was now dressed and indeed even had on a hat and scarf. 

I felt I'd had a lucky escape and tried to get my thoughts together and calm down. I opened the door, walked through and fell straight into a huge pool full of sharks. 

I was now with someone else (male but other than that no idea). He kept saying the sharks weren't dangerous and wouldn't harm me, but I can't swim well either, so I wasn't remotely convinced that I was free of danger. 

The sharks were huge, black and shiny with evil looking sharp mouths.  One swam towards me and tossed me high in the air. As I hit the water again, I was worried he'd force me under the water but instead another one tossed me up into the air again. 

The man I was with was also being tossed around but managed to shout at me...'you see? They're just playing'

I didn't like being a shark's plaything much and tried to propel myself towards the edge of the pool but the shark didn't like it and pulled my scarf off me, ripping it to shreds. 

The man seemed to be enjoying himself and lots of people were gathered around laughing, cheering and clapping. 

I tried to shout that I wasn't enjoying it and wanted to come out but this seemed to add to people's amusement so I just gave up. 

Then as I was tossed up, it felt higher than usual and I kept going up and up. I noticed a huge chandelier getting closer and closer but I just kept going up. 

I panicked, screamed then just as I was about to hit it.....I woke up!